Shattered...

On Sunday September 6th Deb told me that she no longer wants to be with me and that she's never been in love with me in all the nine years we've been together...my heart has been broken into more pieces than any one person could ever pick up in a lifetime. That evening i wanted to end my own life...and tried. A few friends showed up the next morning with my Mom and made me go to Dyer to admit myself into the Psych Ward for a few days, it was an interesting experience...

I'm so so sad i don't know if i could ever express my total grief to anyone. Just a couple months ago i had wondered to myself if i was really in love with Deb, if i even knew what that meant or felt like and now i know that i am completely in love with her...sad, isn't it?

Over the past few years, Deb has sat and watched my failure to obtain proper medical attention for myself and she's had to withstand bouts of me feeling like i no longer wanted to live due to the daily difficulties of my life. I am beginning to understand the tremendous and unfair stress that my depression and physical decline has put upon her. I can't change what i've done and clearly i'm the one who has to figure out how to live with it. Deb has taken on the role of main breadwinner, chief shopper, laundry & errand boi and pack mule. She's carried things for me, gotten things for me and taken me most places i needed to or wanted to go. I've been unfair to her. Oh sure, i cook 4-5 days a week sometimes 2-3 meals depending on how i feel...and i clean and take care of most of the dishes...but it's still been a huge burden on her, one i cannot take back. And if she's never loved me, it wouldn't really matter anyway, would it?

Tomorrow i will go and open a new, solo checking account here in Indiana with the help of my Mom and Dan and move my SSI direct deposit into that account. Then i will need to figure out how to remove myself from the checking account in Maryland without going there in person...and that account can remain Deb's. The next step after that will be to figure out some sort of low income or housing for disabled people for myself.

It's all very sad and scary for me and i really wish the meds that the Shrink put me on would begin to help the sadness ease. I think i liked the Lexapro i used to be on, better. At least i cried less. I'm beginning to annoy even myself. I won't see the Psychiatrist and the Counselor until the 22nd. that's 12 days from the time i was released from the hospital, it seems like forever.

In all of this, i still adore Deb as i always have. I wish her no ill will. I wish her nothing but happiness and hope that she will find someone in her life who is willing to love her as much as i have over all of these years, because she has not always been a picnic to be in love with either. I wish that she would give me some time at working on doing what i need to do to take care of myself and to make really sure that she wants to end our relationship. On Monday i asked her if she would please give our living arrangement to at least the end of the year instead of making such a HUGE, impulsive change. We have both made so many impulsive choices in the years we have been together and i just wish she would slow down and not be in such a big hurry. However, she sounds like she will probably remain in Maryland when she goes back at the end of October for her Drs Appointments and Court Hearing for her Workman's Comp. case with a former employer there. If she does go...i know i will never see her again in my whole life. That thought alone digs the knife into my heart even further...not only am i losing the greatest love of my life, but i am also losing my best friend and the person who makes me laugh like no one else.

I guess it's a good thing that Gay Marriage is not legal here in Indiana...our Seven Year Anniversary would be on October 19th...the vows i made that day in 2002, i fully intended to love until the day i died. Apparently, they are easily discarded by Deb...and that makes me angry rather than sad. Perhaps it's a good thing then we don't have to pay for Divorce Attorneys.

Barely Hanging On...

~Suz~

Ooops & Kick Ass!!

Several weeks ago now, Deb called me from work and told me she had accumulated over 9,000 safety points at her job and she was thinking about using those points to get a new camping dining shelter for us. She showed me which one online and she decided to go ahead and ordered it. The box arrived to the office here at the apartments one day and they called to let us know. Of course they called on a Friday when she was working and since she also works Sat & Sun she had to wait until Monday to go pick up the box.

Monday came and went and a few days later i got a call from the office to remind us that we had a box to be picked up. WTF?! I thought Deb had told me she picked that box up?! I went off on her totally bitching about her not picking up the box and why did she lie to me about something so dumb, etc. Knowing she had picked up the box, she scratched her head and went to the office anyway. When she returned, she held in her hands an unexpected package addressed to ME.

Huh, what?!! Ooops, did i feel like an asshole! I apologized a couple of times and took a good look at the box...it was a surprise package from Steph back in Maryland. I rubbed my hands together like a small child anticipating Santa's Arrival and got a pair of scissors to cut the tape so i could have a peek inside. Ooooh!! Kick Ass! It was a box full of yarn, with a lovely little house warming note.

Steph, i can't thank you enough for your gift of yarny goodness to my stash. I was drooling so much over the Knit Picks Felici in Pebble that i sped right along on Deb's Horcrux socks in Knit Picks Memories - Yukon just so that i could cast on another pair of socks for her in the Felici!! The Felici is a dream to knit with, it's so soft and squishy and it glides along the needles very nicely. I cast on for that new sock last Tuesday, worked on it over the weekend during Camp Out and finished sock number one today. Sock number two will go onto the needles tonight, but i had to stop to make sure i finally got a post up here to thank Steph for sending some of her stash to my hot little hands!!

Pictures of box load of yarn and sock one to come...

~Suz~

We have Babies!!

Ok. Wow. i made it back in less than a month. Well, just slightly less, but that's better than the last time, eh?

So, it's been a crazy few weeks with: Deb's health issues, travel postponed to MD, Deb turned 40 on May 25th, i turned 41 on May 28th and hey, we adopted two furdren just this past Monday. Whew! Busy, busy!

A young woman we know, Caitlin D., we will call her...posted a note on Facebook saying that a cat had delivered four kittens in her backyard 8 weeks prior and she was looking for a good home for them. I didn't say anything to Deb for a few days because i knew she would jump all over it, but then i couldn't stand it any more and was missing my little Luna kitty that we had to put to sleep in April 2008. As i suspected, Deb's reply was, "so when can we go get them?!" I sent a note back to Caitlin right away and we made the arrangements to go adopt this past Monday.

I decided on a mostly black female, she has about a nickel sized white spot on her neck. Deb decided on a peach/orange striped male. Brother and sister are doing well. As i write this they have just survived their first adventure into a mesh laundry bag full of clean clothes and are resting in their bed box...which, incidentally, they don't usually sleep in...they are more comfortable sleeping under one of the couches. Safer, i guess. Far away from Mama's grasp. Heehee!

They are still very scared and have only warmed up enough to get within maybe a foot of us and then they realize, "oh shit! too close" and scamper off. They are doing very well with the litter box and eating and drinking so i'm sure in time they will warm up to us and be just fine. they are quick little suckers so i only have a few pics and they are not so great...


Scout, the boy, hiding under the kitchen table inching his way toward the food bowl.


Cowering in the corner under the kitchen table, Scout protects his sister, Zuzu.


Zuzu and Scout playing together yesterday morning.

I'm sure i will be posting more pics soon.! Yay for Furdren!!

~Suz~

Yes, i am alive. Thank you for caring!

Ok, so we won't even talk about how long it's been since i've posted something, shall we? And really the only reason i even thought to come and post something is because my one remaining reader...Wendy, was over on Monday and just had to toss another dig at me for not blogging. So, Hi WENDY!!

Let's see, since i posted last. Deb came back to Md and brought me to Indiana toward the end of October. And we lived with friends of ours until mid March. Now we have our own little apartment and i am LOVING it!!

Deb is flying back to MD on Mother's Day and will then be driving our stuff that's in storage at her Mom's back here to Indiana. Ton's of fun. I'm looking forward to having all of my dishes and things. It will be like an early Christmas unpacking because i forget what all we kept when we moved out there in 2005. Hmmm. Could be interesting!

In knitting news...there are socks on the needles and Wendy has me knitting this. But i won't say why. Shhhh.

Hope everyone is well!

~Suz~

Whoa!!

:::walks in slowly:::

:::looks around:::

:::dusts off cobwebs:::

:::polishes writing desk:::

Oh my, was my last post REALLY in June?!! No wonder Wendy sent me an email asking if i am alive. Whoa!

Yep, i'm alive.

This past week my thoughts have been mostly with a friend down in the Houston area and with friends and family back home in NW Indiana, all of whom were dealing with Hurricane Ike or the remnants of. My Mom and DanTheMan were evacuated out of his house in Munster one week ago today. A couple days ago he sent an email with photos of his flooded house attached. I quite literally gasped when i opened the email and started looking at the pictures and then i started to cry, it was just completely overwhelming to see. I can only imagine how Dan, his girls and my Mom feel about the whole situation. Mom does not "live" there, but she's there enough and loves Dan enough to be as affected by it as anyone who "lives" there full time.

Here's a few of the pics from Dan's House:









During the earlier stages of the flooding last week. Deb and her coworkers at Superior were on call to be available in case any hospitals needed to be evacuated and they did get called to the hospital in Dyer, sat around for 3-4 hours and then it was determined that the water was no longer rising so they were sent back to base. Whew!

So, in the world of knitting....ehhh, not so much. A little bit here and there, still working on a pair of socks i started back in February. I know, i still sux!! I really do need ot ge tmoving on those and a few other pair i have on needles. And there's items to be made for the wee one who joined the family on June 25th. (I'll save that for another post, that will really cause all 3 of you to fall off your chairs!!)

Yeah, so i'm still sucked into my virtual Second Life world, playing that every day. I have a job in the game so i'm focused on that most of the time. The Music Club i work at is called "WanderLust world Music Club" and it finally opened on July 10th after i had been waiting since mid March for it to be built and opened. It's a very cool concept created by the Owners, Mellifera and Cael Szondi. The club is based on travel destinations and every 3-4 weeks we change destinations. so far the club has traveled to: Paris, Beijing for the Summer Olympics, Mars and we just landed back on Earth - traveling back in time and landing in Medieval England. Huzzah! LOL!!

Each time the destination changes, the decor inside the club changes, so it's always fresh and fun. Along with the decor change, the themes that we use to host contests also changes. In Second Life, clubs hold contests to attract guests and the contests are usually based on some form of clothing or costume that people can buy for their avatars. Yesterday our themes were things like best: Dragon, Bards & Rogues, Lords & Ladies and Pixies, Fairies & Elves. I actually purchased a May Pole to be used in a furture event...perhaps for a Medieval feast?

Here are a couple of pics of my in game persona, "Mauren Mureaux"...





Well, that is all for today!!

~Suz~

What The Fuck?

Have you seen this??



For the adventurous knitter, there are instructions here...

That is all...

~Suz~