On Sunday September 6th Deb told me that she no longer wants to be with me and that she's never been in love with me in all the nine years we've been together...my heart has been broken into more pieces than any one person could ever pick up in a lifetime. That evening i wanted to end my own life...and tried. A few friends showed up the next morning with my Mom and made me go to Dyer to admit myself into the Psych Ward for a few days, it was an interesting experience...
I'm so so sad i don't know if i could ever express my total grief to anyone. Just a couple months ago i had wondered to myself if i was really in love with Deb, if i even knew what that meant or felt like and now i know that i am completely in love with her...sad, isn't it?
Over the past few years, Deb has sat and watched my failure to obtain proper medical attention for myself and she's had to withstand bouts of me feeling like i no longer wanted to live due to the daily difficulties of my life. I am beginning to understand the tremendous and unfair stress that my depression and physical decline has put upon her. I can't change what i've done and clearly i'm the one who has to figure out how to live with it. Deb has taken on the role of main breadwinner, chief shopper, laundry & errand boi and pack mule. She's carried things for me, gotten things for me and taken me most places i needed to or wanted to go. I've been unfair to her. Oh sure, i cook 4-5 days a week sometimes 2-3 meals depending on how i feel...and i clean and take care of most of the dishes...but it's still been a huge burden on her, one i cannot take back. And if she's never loved me, it wouldn't really matter anyway, would it?
Tomorrow i will go and open a new, solo checking account here in Indiana with the help of my Mom and Dan and move my SSI direct deposit into that account. Then i will need to figure out how to remove myself from the checking account in Maryland without going there in person...and that account can remain Deb's. The next step after that will be to figure out some sort of low income or housing for disabled people for myself.
It's all very sad and scary for me and i really wish the meds that the Shrink put me on would begin to help the sadness ease. I think i liked the Lexapro i used to be on, better. At least i cried less. I'm beginning to annoy even myself. I won't see the Psychiatrist and the Counselor until the 22nd. that's 12 days from the time i was released from the hospital, it seems like forever.
In all of this, i still adore Deb as i always have. I wish her no ill will. I wish her nothing but happiness and hope that she will find someone in her life who is willing to love her as much as i have over all of these years, because she has not always been a picnic to be in love with either. I wish that she would give me some time at working on doing what i need to do to take care of myself and to make really sure that she wants to end our relationship. On Monday i asked her if she would please give our living arrangement to at least the end of the year instead of making such a HUGE, impulsive change. We have both made so many impulsive choices in the years we have been together and i just wish she would slow down and not be in such a big hurry. However, she sounds like she will probably remain in Maryland when she goes back at the end of October for her Drs Appointments and Court Hearing for her Workman's Comp. case with a former employer there. If she does go...i know i will never see her again in my whole life. That thought alone digs the knife into my heart even further...not only am i losing the greatest love of my life, but i am also losing my best friend and the person who makes me laugh like no one else.
I guess it's a good thing that Gay Marriage is not legal here in Indiana...our Seven Year Anniversary would be on October 19th...the vows i made that day in 2002, i fully intended to love until the day i died. Apparently, they are easily discarded by Deb...and that makes me angry rather than sad. Perhaps it's a good thing then we don't have to pay for Divorce Attorneys.
Barely Hanging On...